Its Such a Waste to be Wasted in the First Place [entries|friends|calendar] Business, Not Your's INC [ website | Disclaimer ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[11 Nov 2009|02:50pm] [ mood | anxious ] rough day rough week i guess my boss is 'tarded my ex is 'tarded my fam is 'tarded fuck it dude, i cant get down with this ish anymore Do you think you can tell?

i like saying things at work and hearing people pickup on my little manerisms [03 Nov 2009|07:42pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | giggling from roadshow ] i am an addict just one taste and i cant get enough and i dont even know if i really like you but youre here, and you want me and i want to be wanted and so it goes i feel empowered. enabled maybe. i dont know, but its better than before. i dont feel bad. i wish some things were different, i wish i could have the fairytail ending with the man i know im meant to be with but sometimes life just doesnt roll that way and christopher i miss your pretty heart and face and spirit i dont know if its the anitdepressants that have dulled your glow, but if they make you feel better who am i to say no youre so beautiful but youve let your selfishness blind you into a world where i no longer matter, if only you could see what i had within me then maybe you wouldnt make this mistake and i KNOW i know that we are never meant to be, but you ARE supposed to love me, as much as you can love someone, for as long as you can love someone. and i have faith, that at the end of it all... you will. Do you think you can tell?

[19 Oct 2009|03:25pm] hurthurthurthurthurt i dont know what to do everything is falling apart and i dont know if it makes more sense to curl up into a ball and shut down or if i should spread myself so thin that i dont know who i am anymore... not that i know who i am now. i just give up Do you think you can tell?

[12 Oct 2009|07:46pm] i am officially over my job but i am psyched for burning down the apple store tomorrow. or maybe theyll actually help me... who knows? Do you think you can tell?

[08 Oct 2009|07:17pm] ugh youre dead gandolfo yeah youre fucking dead im also going to flip out on apple. if i ever have the money to fly to cupertino im going to go totally nuts on steve jobs. i hate the govt in oklahoma. they want to publish all this personal info on women who get abortions in the state... last time i checked, your medical records are confidential. do people really have the time and money to waste on this kind of bullshit? WHY DO YOU CARE?! Youre not going to raise the thing, so why bring another bastard into the world? work is beyond slow this week but im still working at least 9 hour days. 1-10. 2.5 hours to go tonight and im ready to lose my ish from boredom. lost all my numbers in my phone... email me if you want me to have yours. Do you think you can tell?

For You [10 Sep 2009|05:22pm] [ mood | angry ] so i have officially *officially* run out of ppl to vent to about you all have the same answer, that youre an asshole and im an idiot. and its the truth. i cant explain this away. you ARE an asshole and i AM an idiot. i just hope that you really do love me enough to save me from this. i need you to sacrifice for me for once. you dont read this anyways. Do you think you can tell?

[20 Aug 2009|10:39am] its true i wish i had known. Do you think you can tell?

[04 Aug 2009|02:10pm] my floor in my apartment building smells like old people. gross. Do you think you can tell?

Tautou [31 Jul 2009|10:43am] im sinking like a stone in the sea im burning like a bridge... Do you think you can tell?

[07 Jul 2009|01:46pm] [ mood | sad ] so im at work and the memorial is on for mj and theres no sound so i cant even hear anything, but queen latifah is saying something and just the looks on peoples faces makes me want to burst into tears its not like i know him or anything but his music is forever embeded in my childhood and in my memory and its like losing your best friend or something. i always had hoped that something would come around, something would change and hed be back to himself and now its too late. im just glad we can look past the bullshit to see the man for what he did for music and for the world. speaking of losing a best friend ill be seeing him again, im nervous i guess. or confused. i cant even remember how it all happened. or the last time i saw him. or why we stopped talking to begin with... i dunno everything just happens and half the time i dont really know whats going on. i feel badly for a lot of things. i wish i was stronger so i couldve been there but it was too much. it was all too much to handle. but who knows what the future holds. maybe hes done with that. maybe hes back to the same amazing boy ive known since i was like 16. omg i remember the first time i ever smoked pot was his 16th birthday. just me, him and lawrence wandering around in the snow trying to smoke a joint lol. so i guess well see what happens. Do you think you can tell?

[02 Jul 2009|07:44pm] almost time to go 16 minutes left according to my computer 14 to the master timezone clock thinger good weekend expected despite im pretty sure all of my plans will fall thru as they tend to do but i will make jello shots and get hammered and wait for hubby to rush over so he can catch a glimpse of sparkles before he goes home to his real wife oh well it was cute today, he came with me on my daily visit to the star market next door. we picked out jello together and i got him to buy cinnomon sugar pita chips cause they are awesome so ive killed 2 minutes now... alright i give up im out Do you think you can tell?

[25 Jun 2009|09:10pm] Do you think you can tell?

[20 Jun 2009|11:52am] [ mood | annoyed ] alright friends, serious question here who the fuck blows adderall anymore??? i get up to make coffee and i walk into my livingroom and there are fucking lines on my coffee table. GET FUCKING BENT. 5 wish you were here xDo you think you can tell?

okay i know im going to be made fun of for this [15 Jun 2009|10:47am] but theres something about this song that just makes me feel happy and kinda hopeful? i dunno and even though the lyrics suck isnt that what music is supposed to do? heres a crappy version of the "official music video" because youtube is a bunch of homos and wont enable embedding on each one. Do you think you can tell?

[14 Jun 2009|04:38pm] [ mood | confused ] i am up and computing again. which is awesome i now am on a mac, which is not as awesome cause it doesnt make sense. everything i know about computers is invalid because apple has to make EVERYTHING different but i love d like he is seriously one of the best people ive met in my life. im so glad that we found each other regardless of whether i was a lil bit too late... im okay being friends, for now anyways lol chris kissed me goodbye yesterday that was weird but i missed it its unbelievably awkward when someone you were once so close with, physically and emotionally just feels like hes miles away... but he still wants me to fall asleep with my head on his chest and i like it there. its weird though, i put my arm around his stomach and he just feels different, or maybe its because im afraid to touch him.. i dont know, whenever i see him its like looking at a stranger at first, not my biscuit. not the boy i fell in love with. and certainly not the boy that broke my heart. Do you think you can tell?

[08 Jun 2009|07:10pm] [ mood | bored ] omg work is so fucking boring i could kill myself just to have something to talk about. people are talking about babies and baby showers and i think the majority of americans should be prohibited from procreating. except me and hubby would have some fucking beautiful babies... i swear to god. if i could only get him to leave his wife. i told him the first thing we'd be doing if he ever got unmarried would be talking to sampson. he said thats not the first thing wed be doing :-p ughhhh why did i have to come into the picture too late. im so going to get you its really only a matter of time. apparently when someone has a baby youre supposed to get them washcloths. or diaper geanies. or diapers, but not newborn sizes cause they grow so fast. i personally prefer to buy little red sox tshirts, regardless of whether it is male or female cause what kind of person are you if you dont have a red sox shirt? Do you think you can tell?

[08 Jun 2009|10:35am] so i made it to the 1 year mark didnt cry at least not yet i cant say that my feelings are that much different now than a year ago but at least im seeing other people... i just wish it had all happened differently. Do you think you can tell?

[01 Jun 2009|01:46pm] [ mood | angry ] [ music | misery aka the CWW ] i cant stand it here. everyone is fucking retarded and my own supervisor is constantly making mistakes, and im not saying that im perfect but if youre in charge should you have a fucking clue? i was "spoken to" i guess for emailing the manager of general reservations directly in regards to errors that have been happening consistantly with general reservations agents and the virgin atlantic account. i cc'ed my supervisor to keep her in the loop but apparently i should have gone to my supervisor who then would go to the manager who then goes to the director who will then contact the sales representative to resolve the problem the problem is that people arent paying attention and theyre fucking up the only chance i have at making something happen for myself here. and even if we get the account in new york it wont be til fucking december 2010 so i have a loooooooooooong mother fucking way to go between now and then and im just so fucking frustrated. i shouldnt be writing this here but i cant help it. today has been a nightmare, yesterday was a nightmare and the day before that. things are supposed to be getting easier not harder as i get older. i remember being 16 and just waiting for the day i could have control of my own life and i guess you never do. theres always someone who has more power over you, theres always someone cutting the paychecks telling you what and how to do things. and i just want to be the best at what i do and i keep getting these fucking retards trying to hold me back. i cant let them get me down, i cant let them take advantage of me. i cant let any of this stop me from becoming what i was meant to be. whatever the fuck that is i had the most awkward night of my life on saturday. maybe thats not true but its pretty damn close. how many times to i have to remove your hand from my shoulder and how many times do i have to move away from you before you get that YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH ME. and i dont want to seem constantly miserable, but right now its just one shitstorm after another after another. im surrounded by inconsiderate, lying skanks everywhere i go and i just dont know what to make of it anymore. there is no one to fall back on. there is no one to trust. there is no one. no one no one no one no one no one i am beyond angry now. i dont know what beyond angry is but whatever it is, thats where im at. i wish dan was here cause hes the only one that makes being here even remotely worthwhile. hes the only one that can snap me out of this bullshit and hes the only one that gets whats going on cause its happening to him too. 1 wish you were here xDo you think you can tell?

[17 May 2009|11:23am] [ mood | annoyed ] pnasty is graduating today which is great but it also involves her parents in my apartment at varying times i also like d waaaaay more than i can really say. at least he likes me back... now all we gotta do is get rid of his fucking wife geez its good that were friends, i dont have really any male friends and my female friends can be counted on 1 hand which really doesnt bother me, but me and d were talking about family and trust and friends and i was just like, i dont have a family really, so my friends are my world and thats part of my problem cause they ultimately will just fuck you over in the end. which is where d comes in we kinda keep each other going. its the little things that we say. i dont know this is only trouble, but i hate monday and tuesday when hes not in. the days go sooooo slllloooooow my mother and i are going grocery shopping and even though i called her at 10am to be here by 11, shes still not here. which is typical, i just wanted to get out of here before pnastys parentals show up and i have to play nice. i fake this nice thing all day at work and im just exhausted with it. i just want to be able to live on my own in my own apartment with my own things and not have to worry about who is drunk in my living room or what boys i bring home. and i miss christopher. or i miss what i thought he could be or something. he came over friday night and stayed which is nice. i miss seeing him every weekend. its been a weird spring. im just ready to start over somewhere else. Do you think you can tell?

[12 May 2009|09:26pm] i had a dream that he texted me "all this sex talk is getting me really worked up" and i replied back being like huh? ohh that was meant for tasha (the 17yo) and i fell to pieces. i went downstairs in my old house and he was sitting on the couch with his arm around her and i asked him why he kept flaunting it in my face and he said that he wasnt my boyfriend anymore, what do you care and i woke up and i felt sick i still feel sick ive been needing to cry all day and its lookin to be around that time... Do you think you can tell?

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