Its Such a Waste to be Wasted in the First Place [entries|friends|calendar] Business, Not Your's INC [ website | Disclaimer ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[06 Feb 2010|06:25pm] [ mood | ... ] forgetting sarah marshal is not on itunes this is upsetting to me Do you think you can tell?

[05 Feb 2010|09:17pm] ill have had this retarded thing for 7 years come july. 7 years i do not miss beeing a teenager. at. all. Do you think you can tell?

[04 Feb 2010|09:24pm] jd maybe youre right. so much has happened. no need to delete. its funny, the first communication in years again through livejournal. like old times. and ill explain it to you cause its the truth i was reading old entries, all the drama, but also the good things, old pictures, and it just made me sad. it just frustrated me that after all this time, you could say that about him. somehow, in some fucked up way, we all were a part of it. all the shit we got ourselves into, i wouldnt trade it for the world. i hope you really are as happy as you say you are. Do you think you can tell?

[03 Feb 2010|09:26pm] you know sometimes i feel the same way i saw him... beginning of december, just before his birthday. he came over, we blazed, it was... weird at best. i dont know what hes trying to do. but then im not sure what youre trying to do. maybe pretend like being a mom and a wife was all you really wanted out of life. i dont know. hes just... sick. hurt. lost. confused. demented. everything he always was. trying to be real, trying to reconnect with the people that meant so much. i think about it sometimes. i miss the friend that i had in both of you. the other day m came to mind. at least there was emotion there. i think about chris and hes just so dead, so quick to just shrug me off like he doesnt care. i mean me and m fought nearly to the death, and i would never want to go through it again, but at least i know he cared. i know some part of him, somewhere, at that time in our lives, actually loved me. and thats what i think g wants. to feel something again. something substantial. or maybe he really does just want to fuck up and ruin your life, but then i think youve done well enough on your own. there are totally times where i want to see what youre like now, if anything has really changed. but i know it hasnt. how could you say something so horrible? i wish i had never met you. how can you ever wish you never met someone? everything that you have ever done has brought you to where you are today. wishing you had never been involved, never met, never known. fuck you. you havent changed. youre still the same selfcentered retard i left behind in my teens Do you think you can tell?

dear christopher [01 Feb 2010|10:42pm] [ mood | angry ] dude i dont even know why i bother anymore you call me just to shoot the shit and somehow i always make you angry. im sorry but im fucking done feeling bad for it. not my fault you cant handle your shit. i think its impossible that in all the time youve known me that you havent found this. and i have tried really hard for a very long time to be kind to you, to love you despite the fact that you broke my heart. i tried. i tried up until i just got off the phone with you now, to be that nurturing, safe person you can call when shit goes down. but i can NEVER call you on your shit. its okay i guess. we both know the truth. and maybe it takes me a little longer than the average person to get over having my heart broken but someday ill be totally over it. and then we can really be friends. but now shit still stings. as im sure youre aware since you got so pissed off at me you just had to go. its not that you fucked her, or want to fuck her. its that you claim lonliness when im RIGHT HERE. i wasnt enough for him or him or you but maybe someday someone will find me and ill be just right. i cant wait. Do you think you can tell?

[31 Jan 2010|03:01pm] Until you've seen this trash can dream come true You stand at the edge while people run you through And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you I thank the Lord there's people out there like you Do you think you can tell?

[30 Jan 2010|04:30pm] i want to go back to the time where id call you and youd always answer you wont call back. not today anyways. its okay i guess. just miss you. miss having you around. Do you think you can tell?

[26 Jan 2010|11:29pm] didnt forget. but not sure its something worth rememembering. Do you think you can tell?

[18 Jan 2010|10:47pm] oh my do i feel sorry for you like really sympathetic... creeped me out for a sec j 2010 is not what i expected but its not the worst year so far. Do you think you can tell?

[30 Dec 2009|08:59pm] youre an ass you dont care about my feelings and im beginning to tire of yours im sick of hurting because you refuse to be human and thoughtful. like who do you think you are inviting your friend to my apartment? you dont care if im okay with it or not, you say you dont want to be manipulated by me but if thats the real case then why are you coming??? you dont even want to see me do you? well not today anyways, but your mood will change tomorrow, as it tends to do lately. i never know who is going to be on the other line when you call, if youre happy or sad or manic or calm... but goal of the next decade is to not allow you to fuck with MY mood, to not allow you to take advantage of me and my emotions and to generally be less interested in you personally. youre a shitty friend christopher. a really shitty friend and you were an even shittier boyfriend. Do you think you can tell?

[26 Dec 2009|10:40pm] i know being 20 isnt easy or anything and i know my sister isnt the most mature person but this is just too much she wonders why everything she has has turned to shit and maybe just maybe you get what you give in this world and if all you put out is negativity and hate then maybe just maybe thats what youll get in return i love my new laptop and that it connects to my wireless network even though my sisters computer doesnt i love the way the keys sound and how fast i can type best christmas as far as receiving in quite some time my sister is jealous and is rambling about financial aid again. frankly ive had enough. i dont want to hear about it anymore. you arent helping yourself so im done listening. my dad kept asking me if i knew what the plan was and i have no idea. i dont care. shes a spoiled brat to be honest. i just keep asking her to stop projecting and making my mother the victim in everything. my mother is just as guilty as anyone else but my sister has to hold her as a fucking saint and my father is the devil. get a fucking grip on reality. thats not what happened, and this isnt to say that my dad doesnt suck sometimes, or that he didnt make bad decisions, but hes not a bad person. you just have to understand what hes about. and i get it, and i try to keep them in my advisement but they dont listen. i cant do this anymore. if you dont listen then i have nothing to say. dc might be coming over shortly to help with the computers and frankly, i dont want him to... id love to see him obviously but my sister doesnt deserve his help... or my help even. i spent all morning fixing these damn things Do you think you can tell?

[25 Dec 2009|05:27pm] [ mood | hungry ] so far no blowouts this xmas i got a laptop which is awesome but ive also been MIA since i opened it... fixing and setting up and all this crap the weirdos are here again but im going to go blaze with my sister after dinner.. which will be awesome if we ever actually eat. ive only been here since like 1... my sister is going to freak and im going to love it. Do you think you can tell?

[09 Dec 2009|07:33pm] [ mood | workingworkingworking ] i havent updated in a while but things just havent gotten much better to be honest. im ready for this year to be over, thats for sure. and its time for a new job. but well see, maybe in the spring once the first fiscal quarter over and people are making money again. enough is enough tho. time for something to give. Do you think you can tell?

[11 Nov 2009|02:50pm] [ mood | anxious ] rough day rough week i guess my boss is 'tarded my ex is 'tarded my fam is 'tarded fuck it dude, i cant get down with this ish anymore Do you think you can tell?

i like saying things at work and hearing people pickup on my little manerisms [03 Nov 2009|07:42pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | giggling from roadshow ] i am an addict just one taste and i cant get enough and i dont even know if i really like you but youre here, and you want me and i want to be wanted and so it goes i feel empowered. enabled maybe. i dont know, but its better than before. i dont feel bad. i wish some things were different, i wish i could have the fairytail ending with the man i know im meant to be with but sometimes life just doesnt roll that way and christopher i miss your pretty heart and face and spirit i dont know if its the anitdepressants that have dulled your glow, but if they make you feel better who am i to say no youre so beautiful but youve let your selfishness blind you into a world where i no longer matter, if only you could see what i had within me then maybe you wouldnt make this mistake and i KNOW i know that we are never meant to be, but you ARE supposed to love me, as much as you can love someone, for as long as you can love someone. and i have faith, that at the end of it all... you will. Do you think you can tell?

[19 Oct 2009|03:25pm] hurthurthurthurthurt i dont know what to do everything is falling apart and i dont know if it makes more sense to curl up into a ball and shut down or if i should spread myself so thin that i dont know who i am anymore... not that i know who i am now. i just give up Do you think you can tell?

[12 Oct 2009|07:46pm] i am officially over my job but i am psyched for burning down the apple store tomorrow. or maybe theyll actually help me... who knows? Do you think you can tell?

[08 Oct 2009|07:17pm] ugh youre dead gandolfo yeah youre fucking dead im also going to flip out on apple. if i ever have the money to fly to cupertino im going to go totally nuts on steve jobs. i hate the govt in oklahoma. they want to publish all this personal info on women who get abortions in the state... last time i checked, your medical records are confidential. do people really have the time and money to waste on this kind of bullshit? WHY DO YOU CARE?! Youre not going to raise the thing, so why bring another bastard into the world? work is beyond slow this week but im still working at least 9 hour days. 1-10. 2.5 hours to go tonight and im ready to lose my ish from boredom. lost all my numbers in my phone... email me if you want me to have yours. Do you think you can tell?

For You [10 Sep 2009|05:22pm] [ mood | angry ] so i have officially *officially* run out of ppl to vent to about you all have the same answer, that youre an asshole and im an idiot. and its the truth. i cant explain this away. you ARE an asshole and i AM an idiot. i just hope that you really do love me enough to save me from this. i need you to sacrifice for me for once. you dont read this anyways. Do you think you can tell?

[20 Aug 2009|10:39am] its true i wish i had known. Do you think you can tell?

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